I've been to paradise ... but I've never been to me

Its late ... I am dehydrated and not just physically.

Im spiritually dehydrated

and an emotional wreck.

And the words to this song came to my mind and its soooo very weird because I haven't heard this song for almost 30 years. My mother must have loved it and played it over and over again on her record player because it is etched into me. Don't analyze the lyrics too much. Its the overall message that was speaking to me tonight.

Tonight I had a conversation with someone who is very important to me. She challenged me to think about the way I am living my life right now. Its unhappy and unauthentic. Thats when this song began speaking to me ... maybe no one else will get its message tonight but me.

And thats ok.

Hey lady, you lady, cursing at your life
You're a discontented mother and a regimented wife
I've no doubt you dream about the things you'll never do
But, I wish someone had talked to me
Like I wanna talk to you.....

Oh, I've been to Georgia and California and anywhere I could run
I took the hand of a preacher man and we made love in the sun
But I ran out of places and friendly faces because I had to be free
I've been to paradise but I've never been to me

Please lady, please lady, don't just walk away
'Cause I have this need to tell you why I'm all alone today
I can see so much of me still living in your eyes
Won't you share a part of a weary heart that has lived a million lies....

(it continues on but you probably get the point).

Im am tired

Im tired of living a million lies

of not knowing what it is that I want and being mad at other people for that

I want to be happy

I want to be happy

I will be happy

Because I owe it to myself

and my children

and my future self.

And the way to be happy is to BE TRUE

to yourself

and you can't be true to yourself if you don't know

yourself

So Im going to be doing some digging

Im sure it will be a painful process.

But its necessary.

And Its time.

Lately ...

I’ve been miserable lately. Maybe even for years. Probably 6 years 9 months 17 days and 9hours to be exact. I have tried to be strong. I have tried to think ahead and have an eternal perspective. But sometimes the “text book” answer just doesn’t cut it anymore and all the answers just sound cliche'. All I want is to feel his warm arms around me, and hear his voice tell me everything’s going to be ok. But his arms are cold and his voice is still, and as much as I beg the heavens to whisper to me, I still feel so very alone.

new blog!

Our new blog:)

http://mozofamily.tumblr.com/

Missing Makana ....

My son has been gone for 53 days now.  Although he was buggin me like crazy, I just want to publicly declare that I miss him.  I guess thats the way love is.  You always appreciate those you love a lot more when they are gone.  I hope he is missing us and loving us more too.  Just look at him, he's got mischief written all over his cute smile .......  He will be back November 18th and hopefully my big brother will come back with him.  He's never been to Hawaii so I am keeping my fingers crossed.  Although I have 6 siblings, my brother Paul is my only sibling that shares the same Dad (yes a long story worthy of a soap opera).  Anyway, I just love him and hope he comes to Hawaii.  I know he will love it here and wont want to go home.  That works for me!

Baby time ....

Meet my nephew. His name is Decius. He is cute! He is the reason I have not blogged lately (at least that is my story and Im sticking to it). I mean, wouldn't you rather play with him all day too? My mum and sister are visiting me till Friday the 20th. We are shopping and talking and playing and going to the beach and more shopping. Its fun. Maybe I will log on after that.

Love you guys, Nikki.

Anela, Me, Decius and Yani.

Remembering .... February 9, 2005.

The alarm went off at 6:50am. Jon had set it as usual. It was the same alarm clock he had been given as a present from his parents for graduating from high school. It had been with us every day of our marriage and frankly, it was not my friend! He simply asked, “Hun, can you get it?”. We had just moved, three days earlier into his brother’s house. Our home was going to be lifted and another story put underneath, so we were sleeping on a bunk bed. When we went to sleep the night before, he was with me. But, as I got up to turn off the alarm, he had been replaced with a child. Anela was in bed with me, and he was on the top bunk. Ironic when I think of it now. I turned the alarm off and went back to bed. I had never been a morning person. Jon was. He got up and was in an especially excited mood. Ecstatic almost. He put in a new DVD he had picked up somewhere. It was of some surfers at Teahupoo and one of the surfers had survived a really gnarly wipeout.This got Jon pumped up. He got the kids ready for school and I asked him to pick them up because I was going to go to swap meet. He agreed, yet for some reason I gave Makana the house key and told him just in case, to walk home. He had to use the key that day.

We had had a nice last evening together. We had been working so hard to get the house all packed up in preparation for the build. Jon had worked long hours the days before and we were finally resting in bed. He started kissing me and I smiled. I told him I had not talked to him for so long and I missed him. I asked him if we could talk. “How long do we have to talk?” I smiled again and kissed him back, “not long I said” before I understood his desire and kissed him back into the darkness of the night.

When I was driving home from swap meet, I got a phone call. Where’s Uncle Jon? It was one of the teenagers we had at our house frequently. He’s at the beach I told her. She said that there had been a photographer hurt at Pipeline and it might be him. I assured her that it was not and that he was fine. I kept driving home; I had about another 20 minutes to go. My mind was racing over this information. I had been trying to call Jon for the last couple hours but he was not picking up. I called his brother Allen who had been at the beach with him all day. He answered. His voice was shaky. He said he didn’t know if it was Jon or what was going on. I got off the phone. I needed more information. I dialed 411 for the number to Kahuku Hospital. My phone was dying. The idiots on the other end said there was no Kahuku Hospital. I was loosing reception. Finally I got the number and called the hospital. I thought that a simple phone call would clear this all up and I wouldn’t need to worry. I had no idea what would happen in the next few hours, days, weeks, months, and now years.

“Your husband is here”. Not what I was expecting to hear. “You need to get here as soon as you can but drive safely”. I was already driving. The bendy roads on the windward side went on and on forever. My body started to tingle. Like the circulation to it had stopped, literally like my heart had stopped pumping it through my body. I had been to Kahuku Hospital before not knowing what I would find when I got there. I was lucky that time. When I arrived, I saw that the shark had left all Jon’s body parts in tact and the 100 or so stitches were a welcome relief.It meant there was life there to save. But that time they had cleared him out of Kahuku hospital as quickly as they could. I thought about this as I was winding the roads to get to him. What does this mean? Either it is not serious at all, or it is too late. My body tingled some more. I thought of my husband on a hospital bed and I said to God, “It’s all or nothing”. I knew that Jon could not live a restricted life, void of the things he loved to do. Little did I know when I was bargaining with God, he had already closed the deal.

Jon

we will always miss you ...

until we are together again

On being needed ....

This summer has been strange!! First of all, Ariana left on a trip to the mainland for 5 weeks.So far she has travelled to Washington State, Idaho and Utah. She is now in Washington DC and is going to spend time on a lake in Virginia and in Maryland and Pennyslvania and who knows where else? She is with her grandma (we call her Lola) and her cousins Kyra and Drake.

She is having a great time but I have never been apart from her for this long and she makes me laugh every day. I need her .....

Then last week, Anela's friends family (Krebs) announced they were going on a trip to the mainland (California, Arizona, Utah) and could they pleeeeeeaaaaasssssssseeeee take her with them. They were leaving in two days and would be coming back near the end of July. Anela and I talked about it that night. I told her that she might be sad and miss me and she couldn't ruin their trip. We went to sleep that night in my bed and I was holding her little hand (as I often do at night when we sleep). She woke up the next morning and proclaimed, "I made a decision" Im going on the trip. She got out of bed, packed her little bag and was gone the next day. But she is the one that gives me all my hugs and kisses and tells me I'm the best almost everyday.

I need her .............

My Son, Makana started working full time. Of course, it is a good thing and he has a good job working construction. But he has to be at the job site by 7 am and he comes home at all times. Sometimes because he stops to surf before dark and sometimes because he stops to see his girlfriend. He is soooo tired after work and surf that he comes home and sleeps. So, I feel like I have not seen him forever. I told him last week, that He is the person in this world I have spent the most time with. More than my mother, and siblings. Even more than his father. And because of that I feel an unusual connection to him. Like he was sent to me to be that person and I haven't seen him lately. I need him .....

And so, my summer has been strange. HOW I LOVE THE AGE 15. Why? because you do not have a drivers license yet. Yes! Somebody needs me for something. I am ok with the fact that I may only be needed for my drivers license. I dont even care. I have been spending my days with this girl....

and since they are glued at the hip ..... with this boy too!

We have been going to places like this ..... (Sandy Beach twice this week)and this .... (Scenic Lookout)
When we got back last night around 11ish (from taking jack home) Amber expressed her thanks for always driving them places. I thought about how our days are numbered. We don't know how many more times we get to drive them, or talk to them, or cook for them, or laugh with them, or watch a movie with them .....
So for all those moments I get to spend with the one girl that needs me this one last summer, I am here for you. Next summer, you will have your license and you wont need me anymore. You will be off running around the island sucking the life out of every day. So for now, I will drive where you want me to drive. Because I get to be with you. And Because I have learned something in this life ... you never know how long things last. And I will treasure each moment I am still needed by you.