Tuesday, August 5, 2008

One day my heart ache will be gone ....

I"m back in Utah. After Lamars funeral I went home to my kids and my life and found that my heart was still here with Yasmin and all her kids so I turned around and came back. I have to leave again in 4 days and my heart is aching. Yasmin is one of my most dearest friends and now we are both widows. I wish we could live next door to each other again, but Heavenly Father has his own plans which do not include that right now. Spending so much time with them again has been a blessing, but now as I prepare to leave I realize again how painful love is. I have always loved yasmin but now I have fallen in love with her kids, and I do not want to live without them. I want to be here when they come home from school and talk about their day. I want to feed them when they run in and out of the door to play sports and listen stories about whose "cute". It has been a pattern in my life to have to live without the people I love. As I child, I always yearned for my father who I never saw. Then, when I went to boarding school I learned to love sisters in my dorm who I never saw again. As I travelled to Hawaii to BYU I missed my family and friends terribly. And now, as a widow, I miss my husband every day. Will my heart always feel like it is breaking! I dont know how much longer I can handle it. The only way to get rid of the pain is to not experience love. I guess Im just not willing to pay that price. Love is worth all the pain that comes along with it. I have hope that one day, my heartache will be gone ........... one day.


kelly said...

i am sorry for all of your heartache it's more than one person should bear but you are blessed with people who love you and your kids are not going anywhere so shower them with that love you ached for, they need it.
love you!

Kelly B said...

Oh, Nikki... I'm so sorry that the heartache just seems to keep on coming. I'm sure that Yasmin and her children have benefitted so much from your strength and your huge capacity for love. And I agree with you that it's better to have loved and lost than to not have loved at all, and all that stuff. But it still sucks. :(

I am reminded of the Mother Teresa quote: "I know God will not give me anything I can't handle. I just wish that He didn't trust me so much. ..."

Miss and love you.

Debz said...

Nikki, you are probably one of the most amazing women I know. I hope i can find more friends who share love so willingly and in such an amazing way..like u do...take care much aroha ...Debz