Wednesday, November 30, 2011

I've been to paradise ... but I've never been to me

Its late ... I am dehydrated and not just physically.
Im spiritually dehydrated
and an emotional wreck.

And the words to this song came to my mind and its soooo very weird because I haven't heard this song for almost 30 years. My mother must have loved it and played it over and over again on her record player because it is etched into me. Don't analyze the lyrics too much. Its the overall message that was speaking to me tonight.

Tonight I had a conversation with someone who is very important to me. She challenged me to think about the way I am living my life right now. Its unhappy and unauthentic. Thats when this song began speaking to me ... maybe no one else will get its message tonight but me.
And thats ok.

Hey lady, you lady, cursing at your life
You're a discontented mother and a regimented wife
I've no doubt you dream about the things you'll never do
But, I wish someone had talked to me
Like I wanna talk to you.....

Oh, I've been to Georgia and California and anywhere I could run
I took the hand of a preacher man and we made love in the sun
But I ran out of places and friendly faces because I had to be free
I've been to paradise but I've never been to me

Please lady, please lady, don't just walk away
'Cause I have this need to tell you why I'm all alone today
I can see so much of me still living in your eyes
Won't you share a part of a
weary heart that has lived a million lies....

(it continues on but you probably get the point).

Im am tired
Im tired of living a million lies
of not knowing what it is that I want and being mad at other people for that
I want to be happy
I want to be happy
I will be happy

Because I owe it to myself
and my children
and my future self.
And the way to be happy is to BE TRUE
to yourself
and you can't be true to yourself if you don't know

So Im going to be doing some digging
Im sure it will be a painful process.
But its necessary.

And Its time.


Holly said...

you beautiful, brave girl. Come heal with me. I am hear for you. You have been trying to out run an avalanche for to are so many things to so many people, you deserve to be something amazing to yourself and feel peace in your heart. I think your friend was brave in her council...just be kind to yourself as you take inventory, and don't forget to kneel at your Savior's feet and ask him to walk it with you. He is such a kind and gentle teacher...but he has to allow us to hurt sometimes, just like he did so he can put us back together. Oh I love and admire you.
Remember, I'm paddling alongside you should you need me any time of day. I love you.

Holly said...

Do you remember my moms broken plate story?

kelly said...

What's going on?! You need to call me, I'll talk to you later today!

LANEA said...

That's it, I need to come over sometime soon :) I had been trying to write back on my facebook messages, but for some reason it refuses to let me reply, so I thought I'd write here on blogger instead.

You know that song by One Republic? It's called, "Good Life". I don't know why but it played on the radio and instantly raised my moods. You know what's funny? m spiritual and emotional storage bank are completely depleted. Most times I find it even hard to just pray so I don't most days. I don't know how your feeling, but just know that even if you feel so alone, theres lots of us (including me) who really admire and look up to you and your life :) I love all you Mozos and I'm always so proud to say the that I know yous lol :)

Natalie. said...

YES! I love you! I am so proud of you Nikki. You are right, YOU DESERVE to be happy. Jon deserves to see you happy and to have the peace that only seeing you in that way can bring.